classé dans Récits > Fiction

publié le 3 juin

Okay, let’s do this. I wanted to do this in french. I really wanted, I even tried too. But that guy… geez… he insists and insists and insists. He wants me so bad to tell my story in english. So be it. This is Rectal duplication, in english.

It’s 8:30 in the morning. I’m in a line to go to the clinic. I’m barely awakened and I’m standing between a guy that’s been here eight times in two months and a woman that coughs like she’s a bullfrog drowning in poutine sauce. Believe me, this is horrible.

I mean being here in itself is not the end of the world. It’s not the first time I have to see the doctor and it’s probably not the last time either. But, eh, I’m not here to discuss about the inevitability of life. Or am I ? Whatever. The receptionist finally opens the door and we rush in to wait more.

Clinics are freakin’ depressive. You’re already here ’cause you feel bad ! You think painting the walls with those colorless, mind-numbing and sould-destroying colors is gonna help someone. Well, guess what ? NO, it’s not ! On top of that, I have to endure the freakin’ 30 minutes loop of the so-called news program Salut Bonjour! that plays on a snowy freakin’ television set that sounds like people shouting in a can. What the fuck society ? Seriously, what the fuck ? I mean, how the fuck did we came to that ? Aren’t we suffering enough already ?

My turn finally comes. I don’t even know for how many hours I’ve been seating in that disagreeable piece of plastic that the clinic calls a chair. At least the bullfrog went long ago.

So I raise myself from the chair with the virgorousness of a bovine that has been on crystal meth for two months and I throw myself into the doctor’s office. That’s it, I just walked throught the first gate. Hurray ! The slaughterhouse is coming…

The room is empty. I wait again. FUCK ! I’m tired of being here.

Five minutes later, an old asiatic man enters the room. He rubs his hands together with a piece of paper. Throws it in a garbage can and then finally looks at me. He nods. I nod too. He takes place at his desk, in front of me. Puts his galsses on. Opens my file and starts reading. He gets a pencil out and starts writing. While he writes he talks :

– Ok sir. What can I do for you today ?

Well good question chief ! I’m here for a reason. You got that right. I don’t think you can do nothing for me but, eh, I’ll have to tell this to someone a day or another. It might be him. Ça va être faite, as they say. You probably should stop noting shits and listen to me a bit ? Don’t you think doc ?

– Eh… well… you see doctor… I kinda discovered something, eh… on me. I’m not sure how to say it.

What ? What the F did I just say ? I could have gobble it would have produced something more coherent.

– Go on, don’t worry, says the doctor.

Yeah… well… don’t worry… Doc, I’m not here ’cause I have a bad flu.

– I think I have two… I mean… Well I have a rectal duplication.

You see. Now he stopped noting in my file. He just stares at me. I think he’s confused. That makes two of us.

– A rectal what ? he asks.
– Duplication, a rectal duplication, I repeat proudly.

He stands up and directs me to the other room. I’m worth a checkup. Here we go !

***

After a couple of akward paper-envelopped minutes where I proved in the practical world the hypothesis I had just brought in theory, the doctor and I find ourselves seating again at his desk. He starts noting again.

– When did you notice that you had a second anus ?
– Four days ago.

Yes ! ladies and gentlemen. It’s been four days since I discovered what at first I thought was a big perineal wrinkle. But it isn’t.

– It’s odd, I say, it just appeared there, you know, like that.

Now I interest him. What do I mean « appeared there »? Well, what do you think genius ? I’m 25 years old, you think I never had a chance or a reason good enough to scrutinize my anus in all those years… Man… do I really have to give him a reason ? Geez !

– Well… I had an accident, five years ago and… I was hospitalized for ten days and.. as part of my treatment, a nurse had to… treat me… yeah… mornings and nights, with a suppository, and each time she did it she did not ask me in which one of my anuses I wanted the suppository to be inserted.

You know… moments like that… they make you feel life in it’s deepest subtelties. He notes a lot. He waits a bit. He talks.

– I see.

Wow. All this for two words. Oh no, wait, he’s continuing.

– Does it bring you pain ? Or lack of comfort ?

I look at him in total despair. What do you mean « pain »? Do I look comfortable ?

– I mean, did you discover the duplication because it was painful or by coincidence.

– Coincidence.

By coincidence, yes, and we’re not gonna go further on that topic. Case closed. Anyway, I don’t think that exists an explanation to how you find out you had two anuses that doesn’t make you sound like a complete dimwit.

– That’s good, he says.

Is he really trying to reassure me here ? Good ? What the fuck is he talking about ? HEY ! MORON ! I HAVE A SECOND HOLE IN MY ASS AND IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE ! Okay, I’m not suffering doc, but, eh, I’ve got two anuses here ! Hello ?

– Eh doc ? I’ve got two anuses. Two. Anuses. This is not good !

Here he goes again, telling me to calm down, simplifying the case.

– As far as we know, it’s only a second anus.

Is he a fucking idiot or what ? He really doesn’t understand.

– Excuse me sir, I try to explain, I have two anuses, I almost shout at him, I’m TWICE as shitty as everybody else.

He stops noting. Takes his glasses off and looks at me.

– There is no correlation to be made between the number of anuses you’ve got and the success you’ll have in life. Calm down. You’ll have to go through a test called barium enema, it’s a radiology of your intestine…

I wasn’t listening no more…

He filled out a couple of papers. I’m supposed to get a call from the hospital. In a couple of days. Whatever…

***

But in the bus back home I had some kinda moment you know. It was full of « single-anused » person. Living their lives and there I was. Asking myself all those questions : What the heck is gonna happen to me ? Are they gonna split my ass in two and sew everything back to normal ?

While all those funny thoughts were going through my head, I saw this guy chewing gum in front of me. I mean, he was chewing it bad. He really was. He loved the thing. And after a couple of seconds, he puts another one in his mouth. And he kept on chewing intensely. And chewed. And another one goes in his mouth. I mean, I’ve stared at him for like a minute and he must have ingested 7 of them. And he was still chewing those gums as if he was eating Eden’s apples.

And it came to me… It struck me… As clear as the light of day…

I realized that… it was only a second anus.